So next year I’ve decided I want to be James Bond - but only the Daniel Craig version. Definitely cooler than Connery - and any other Bond pretenders afterwards.

All I need to do is learn to drive, and somehow procure an incredibly sexy 1960’s Astin Martin, find some form of hand to hand combat to protect me against machetes, knives - really any form of weapon, and become an awesome poker player. Throw in some amazing clothes and a cool dry wit, and I’m pretty much there.

Still, there’s one area where Mr Bond lacks skills which I possess - CPR. That guy doesn’t know what he’s doing as far as compressions and EAR go - no wonder his girlfriend couldn’t be revived. Still, it’s a small complaint, and he did seem to be feeling up her boobs while he was doing the CPR, so maybe he had other things in mind.

I give it 8.5/10, with points only taken off for a somewhat confusing plot, and an annoying Bond girl - the Italian one was far better, but of course that meant she was doomed. Also top marks for an asthmatic villain who cried tears of blood.

When I was leaving the cinema, I walked past two ushers who were in discussion with a man who’d just seen the film. Here’s how their exchange went, and I swear it’s true, and has only been edited because you wouldn’t believe me if I kept it going for as long as it did.

Man: It’s his first mission … the one where he starts out

Usher 1: Yeah, it’s pretty cool

Man: Yeah, it’s his first mission, he’s just starting out

Usher 2: Daniel Craig’s a really good Bond.

Man: What’s so great is he’s just starting out … on his first mission

The 2 ushers exchange a look, and busy themselves with some torn tickets. The man doesn’t seem to care.

Man: Bond … James Bond. It was the first book, you know? His first mission, where it all starts.

About then I realised I couldn’t keep pretending to send a text message, as he could clearly go on all night, so I left the poor ushers to get out of it themselves. Suckers!

Today I’m loving: my poor hot animals, who look so cute when they’re all tuckered out